Memories Flooding Back (Sootclaw)

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What Have You Done?

Cedarclaw was curled up in her warm, mossy nest in the nursery, where the queen had spent a vast majority of her time since the battle with RiverClan. After seeing the vicious personality of the Clans, she had decided that it was better to be safe than sorry, and had taken refuge in the sheltered den.

Of course, the tortoiseshell she-cat hadn't even been in the battle. But she could have sworn that she rather would have. Back at the RiverClan camp, her claws had been the only things holding her back from charging into the fight. Her blood had pounded in her ears for it. Her muscles had tensed for it.

But now thoughts of fighting and blood were the last things on her mind. What now kept her in the nursery were the three little bundles of fur near her. They had quite the energy for such little things, as the occasional play-fight was becoming more frequent. Ever since their eyes had opened, they had been straying further from her belly. But Cedarclaw didn't mind. She loved to watch them. Her heart always soared when she reminded herself that these were hers- hers and Sootclaw's- kits, and that all three were happy and healthy. The queen could even see herself and her mate in their furry faces- Stonekit and Darkkit, especially. They were like little replicas of their parents, matching right down to the eye colors.

The contented queen had stopped fussing over her forgotten past in the last couple moons. At first, that had been all that mattered. But now she told herself that she could live without them. Why did she need to remember her life? She had Sootclaw to tell her anything she absolutely needed to know. Cedarclaw was focused on the future, not the past.

But at that moment, she did think back. Not in the hard, scathing way she once had, but just a stroll down memory lane. She thought back to the eventful Clan meeting, to the battle, the news of the injured ShadowClan apprentice by RiverClan paws, to her days in the grass with Sootclaw, to the day she first woke up in Moonspirit's den.

But almost unconsciously, she kept pushing back. The queen didn't expect anything to happen beyond that point. It had always been a mental boulder in her way. But she blinked in shock as she was able to go a little farther. Cedarclaw slowly laid her head on her paws and closed her eyes, shutting out the mews of her kits. Just trying to think.

She remembered darkness. A feeling of being lost amidst it. Struggling to open her eyes, clawing for solid ground that didn't exist. There was panic. And fear. And suddenly a pain in the back of her head.

No, that was real. Cedarclaw yelped a little at the realization. The same pain that had always prevented her from remembering before. The mental boulder. Her claws slunk out. No more! She was going to remember. She would keep pushing back.

Squeezing her eyes even tighter, the queen did just so. There was the stench of blood clinging to her fur. Her vision had gone hazy. There had been a blurry figure somewhere above her. But who? A bolt of pain struck again, but she bit her tongue back and keep going. A scent came to her. Sootclaw. So he had been there with her. But she had known that already. But there was an emotion inside of her, like the one she'd felt when she'd recovered. Very powerful. But for some reason, Cedarclaw couldn't convince herself that it was love. It was too... Something. So she ignored it.

Fighting the growing pain in her head, she could see herself standing near a real boulder. Swiftfire and Sootclaw were nearby. She couldn't recall the words, but she could see herself bristling toward the black tom. Did we have a fight? she wondered. Suddenly she could hear words falling from Sootclaw's mouth. "She-cats do not deserve to be made warriors. They belong in the nursery making kits."

[/i] Surprise flew though the she-cat. The words were full of jeering scorn. Why had he said that? Sootclaw was always saying how strong she was. Cedarclaw had never quite taken the idea seriously, but she now recalled a burning desire to prove him wrong.

A fight. There had been a fight. Claws had flung, snarls, most of them from herself. Then a flash of fear, followed by that familiar darkness.

Suddenly the pain exploded, causing Cedarclaw to shriek in agony. But that wasn't the only pain. She was back- the real Cedarclaw. And she was living the life she'd despised for seasons with the tom she'd loved to kill.[/size]
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Almost at once when the black tom arrived in camp, fear started to pound right through his scent glands. For some reason, today, he couldn't find any prey, so he decided to head back. Now he almost regretted it, but at the same time, he knew he shouldn't.

His black paws pounced against the bare earth heading towards the nursery, for he heard a few shrieks afterwards. At first, he thought it may of been the kits, but then he realized, it was just too... loud to be kits, if that made sense.

"Honey?"

He mew'd, worry drippling through his voice. He was worried, worried sick. She didn't look well either, she looked like she was having trouble, that something was beating against her cranium.

The tom padded forward cautiously, trying to lick her ear.

"I'm here, it's okay!"

He tried to calm her down.

-

QuietKit had heard her mother shriek, and for some reason, it didn't sound right, well obivously it didn't, but she meant as in how it now scented. She scented fear and... an odd scent of maybe... blood? It smelled faint, so she ignored it, but the fear-scent was out-standing.

The little ginger kit got to her paws, being a bit shaky, for she was always quiet and didn't do much. She slowly moved towards her mother, her orange eyes staring up at her curiously. Something wasn't right, and she could tell by her eyes, and how her dad rushed forth.

She was always confused with the two, for she heard from other cats that they used to hate eachother, but when she looks at them now-- It looked as if the hate was starting to pour right through her mother's sockets and fur.

The little ginger kit tried to get on her front paws so she could roll on her back and bat at CedarClaw's mother playfully.

"Ma.."

QuietKit barely murmured.

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Draw Back In Fear

Cedarclaw had begun to shake, not daring to open her eyes but rather bury her face in her paws. This could be real. There was no way! Perhaps she was dreaming, and this whole thing was just what it seemed; a nightmare. But then why is it so real? Why haven't I woken up? She felt a pain equal to that of her head close around her chest. The tortoiseshell knew, as horrible as it was, that the world around her was real, and so were the three bodies near her own. With the force of realization pressing down upon her, the she-cat let out a tortured, pathetic whimper, and felt tears build up behind her eyelids.

Then there was a voice. It was the one she'd loved for the last moons, but before that- and now, again- hated beyond words. Her fangs clenched together as she wished she could make it all go away. Cedarclaw curled up, made herself small, and did indeed try to deny the outside world.

But the dreaded scent was drawing closer, and quickly. No, go away! Don't come close. Her claws sunk out even further and dug into the earth with a force beyond reckoning. The pawsteps drew closer, and with each thud they made on the ground, a burning rage grew stronger inside her chest. It was feeding on his mere presence. His voice came again, and she felt a rasp over her ear.

"Get away from me!" The roar was met with a sudden twist of her body, her forepaw reaching around, arcing to rake tempered claws across the black tom's muzzle. Cedarclaw was on all four paws now, fangs bared and ears back, with tortoiseshell fur bristling all along her spine. They didn't seem to match the tears shinning in her orange eyes, nor the pain they held.

The pain of her head was gone now. All that remained was that in her chest. "How could you? How could you do this to me?" Her paw fell back to the ground and dug its claws into the earth where they started. "You... You lying, black-hearted piece of fox-dung!" Her tail swished furiously behind her. "No, that's too good a title for you. You filth..."

In her fury, Cedarclaw had almost hoped that the kits no longer existed. So when Quietkit appeared beneath her paws, the warrior took a step away from her. "No... You get away from me, too!" Hate was replaced with something close to fear when she looked down at the little ginger kit.

Seeing her made the tortoiseshell remember the two others. She looked from one to the next, her eyes widening. "This can't be happening! No!"

~~~~~~~

Why Us?

Stonekit blinked up at his mother innocently, hardly understanding what was going on. "Momma? What's wrong? What's not right?" He stepped up beside his sister and glanced unsurely to his father.

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The black tom's eyes openned wide, tears started to flood his green eyes, drippling down his black-furred cheeks. He stepped back once more, blood starting to drip down his muzzle. He knew what was going on, and this was just too much to bare.

"C-CedarClaw.. N-Not infront of the K-Kits.."

SootClaw studdered, claws digging into the bare earth. This was too much to bare, for he did love her. He knew it for a fact. Maybe she lied to him, maybe she never did. Everything is going to change now, he knew that.

Rage was starting to bubble up from his stomach to his chest when she was even telling QuietKit to go away.

"The kits did nothing to you! I'm the one who did it, me!"

He shrieked, claws digging further in the ground. Tears kept slipping from his eyes, for he was going in deep. He was falling in a trench of pain.

-

QuietKit started to whimper, moving back. Her eyes were opened wide with fear and despair. She couldn't believe this was happening-- her world was starting to crush.

She was silent the whole time though, but her little ginger legs starting to tumble. Then, she collapsed. Her chin slammed hard against the ground, a little squeak coming from her body. She was falling apart, seeing parents fight just made her hurt.

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All Falls Apart

Cedarclaw's raking gaze returned to Sootclaw. "Shut it!" she spat at the tom. "Not in front of the kits? You forget that they wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for your deceitful lies!" The she-cat was putting up a strong front, but as she hissed the tears began to spill over.

"I always knew you were a low-life. But I never would have thought you'd have been so horrid as to..." She couldn't finish the sentence, as the tortoiseshell choked back as her throat closed up, and she turned away from the tom. Everything she had worked for. Everything she had sought out to prove. What had it all been for? It had all turned out the way she'd dreaded since her youth. "You bet it was all you. It always was! You always did everything you could to put ticks in my fur. But how could you go so far as to take advantage of me like that? I had no idea! But you just went ahead with your little scheme."

The she-cat heard a whimper, and opened her eyes a little bit to see the small ginger kit tremble and fall. Instinctively she wanted to gasp and reach out to her daughter- cursed be the word- but she found herself frozen. Why should she even care for this kit? It never should have ben born. None of them should have been. But whatever should or shouldn't have been, they were there now. Unfortunately. All the same, Cedarclaw had to fight the desire to help the kit. She could see its pain, and felt it like a thorn in her own side. She didn't want to, but she did. The tortoiseshell shut her eyes again and flexed out her claws to keep her stationary.

~~~

Pay Attention

Stonekit squeaked when his sister collapsed and tried to nose her to his paws. He seemed immune to the hisses exchanged between his parents above him. "Quietkit, careful!" His amber eyes were wide with concern. "Hey, are you okay?" The kit looked up to his parents, wishing they would help, but the two of them seemed to be only concerned with the other. His whiskers twitched. He knew nothing of their past, nor did he have the interest in their conversation then. The tom-kit just turned back to his sister and nudged her again. "Come on, just stand up," he mewed softly.

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The black tom looked at the two kits, which he knew that QuietKit was okay. It was just in shock, but he padded towards Quietkit and licked the top of her head and then nudged her up. He then padded over to CedarClaw and tried to lick her cheek.

"CedarClaw..."

He whispered softly, trying to look into her eyes. His fur was flat and he showed almost no anger now, only grief. He knew he had done wrong, and he tried to tell her the truth back then as well, but now... it seemed to fall down and crush his little world.

"I'm not lying..."

He murmured. He wouldn't care if this she-cat slaughtered him, all he knew was that he wouldn't be able to fight back. He fell hard and deep in love with her, and he knew there was no way he could claw his way back up from it.

"Do you remember anything..?"

He murmured.

-

QuietKit got nudged up by her father and his sibling, her eyes staring at her mother in fear. Something was odd about her-- she seemed different. She didn't have the nerve to help her.

The ginger kit looked at StoneKit and let out a whimper and only collapsed again. She was too weak right now for the fear and pain in this little den was too much for her, it was engulfing everything. Why must this happen? Why must this torture her so?

She tried to be as quiet as possible, which wasn't that hard. She was always the quiet one, for she never knew what to say or what noise to make. All she could do right now was to look helplessly up at her parents while whimpering.

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I Believed You

When Sootclaw tried to lick her cheek again, the tortoiseshell recoiled lashed out at the other side of his muzzle. "I told you to stay away from me, didn't I?" she growled, showing her fangs. The she-cat still didn't want to believe that this wasn't a dream. Besides, this tom had never done anything but put her down. But had he been right all along? That she-cats were just weaklings who belonged in the nursery? It was where she had ended up, wasn't it?

But she shook her head and pushed it away. There was no way she was going to give up. Right? The tortoiseshell couldn't feel the old determination she once had. It was as if her will had been sucked all away.

The warrior then opened her eyes and glared back at the tom. "Remember? Of course I do! I remember every little lie that came out of your fox-hearted jaws." Her nose wrinkled back in disgust. "You pretended more than just being my mate. You pretended to know me. To be my friend."

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The black tom took the other swipe against his muzzle, pain swarming into his green eyes, but he kept looking at the she-cat, taking another step towards her. Tears were falling from his eyes soon mixing with the red-scarlet blood that seemed to now flow from his jaws.

"But I told you the truth later on though, didn't I? I didn't lie any more.. I really do love you, CedarClaw!"

He mew'd, his voice hinted with worry and despair. This was still too much for him.

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Stand In The Rain

Cedarclaw took a defiant step toward him as well, wishing that her eyes could just burn right through his retched pelt. "Don't make me laugh! You couldn't love any she-cat. Your pride would just get in the way." But as she spat the words in his face, the tortoiseshell remembered days when it had been just the two of them, smiling and purring. She had felt happy. The pain in her chest gave a devastating blow again. It wasn't real. It was all a lie. The she-cat put her face right up to his, just a mouse-tail length away from it, and growled. "You told me too late. You already told me I was your mate. I don't care about anything after that! You did it, you started everything! This whole mess."

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SootClaw stood his ground, making sure his green eyes were gazing right back at her eyes. He would not back down, he would not run away from this. He will not harm her; he loved her too much now.

His black ears flickered back against his cranium, while his muzzle still dripped blood. The tears that were falling upon the scratch marks was making it sting, but he ignored it, for his heart was feeling way worse than that.

How can I prove it? I just want her back!

The black tom wailed in his head.

To keep him up and balanced, he had to sink his claws into the earth below him. He was hearing the kits squeal with terror, for this must be devasting to see-- Your parents fighting with claws unsheathed.

"CedarClaw..."

He choked, tears still running down his black-furry cheeks. This just couldn't be happening, this just couldn't be!

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Mist In My Heart

The tortoiseshell snarled. "You're pathetic, you know that? You go along with your twisted little plan, but when everything comes back to me you just try to pretend it was all real." Cedarclaw took a couple pawsteps back from him. She couldn't keep this up anymore. She was furious, yes, beyond repair. Her whole life had come crashing down around her. But as much as she desired to rip his throat out, to kill one of the pains that had brought upon her the others, the she-cat felt more unparalleled sadness.

Her old life had died with these kits' birth. Never again would she be able to go about trying to be the best warrior, because Cedarclaw would always have lost the biggest battle. She had kits, and everything she had stood for now crumbled away like dirt. Her morals, goals, they were all worthless now. If only the kits hadn't made it.

But as she thought it, her legs just about gave way. The scraps of fur were her scraps of fur. And no matter how much she'd rather them have never been born, the tortoiseshell couldn't begin to imagine seeing their little bodies laying still and cold. No matter the father's blood they carried, they shared her own.

Painfully, Cedarclaw looked down at her little ones. She could tell they were frightened- they had every right to be so. It was the black tom at fault for it. Hesitantly, the queen craned her neck down toward her kits, trying to gently brush her nose over them, wishing she could be more tender but knowing that was far from her personality. Did she love them? She did care deeply, she knew that well enough. But the unwilling queen did not want to have to be a mother. She wanted to be a warrior.

Cedarclaw looked back to Sootclaw with cold, tear-filled eyes. "Get out. Go away, and never come back. These aren't your kits." She took a defensive stance over her kits, but her unsheathed claws held no more power. The she-cat couldn't muster a threat.

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The tom was staring at CedarClaw, his eyes opened wide and filled with sorrow. Tears kept splurging out of his optics which were mixing in with the blood that soaked his muzzle.

"I-If it makes you happy! CedarClaw, I'll do anything for you!"

He wailed, his claws still in the earth. He wanted to run away for her, but he just couldn't do it. He wanted to go up to her more than anything and run his muzzle down her cheek. He wanted to do that rather badly, for he knew that could solve everything.

"I do love you CedarClaw.. I felt bad after you hit your head upon the rock.. I tried to help, tried to make you feel better, so I said you were my mate. Then, after a while.. I told you the truth.. you can ask SwiftFire if you don't believe me."

He muttered, looking down. His ears were drooped.

"At least let me stay for a while longer..."

He muttered.

-

QuietKit felt her rough muzzle move across her back which made her give a soft squeak. Her mother changed, she could tell by the scent and how rough that nuzzle was. Even the look in her mother's eyes gave her the clue.

She squirmed out from under her mother and ran over to her father, which there was a wobble in the run, but she managed it, and gave his father nuzzles upon his fore-leg.

"Dun't go.."

She whispered softly.

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Weakness In Your Eyes

Her eyes narrowed, again returning to slits. "Then go ahead and leave, why don't you. I don't want to ever have to see your putrid face." He could sound as sincere as he wanted. Cedarclaw knew that it was all just an act. She remembered the old Sootclaw well- the one who was always jeering at her. A bout of memory loss wasn't going to make him into a soft, caring tom.

The tortoiseshell shook her head rather fiercely at his next words. "And how was this supposed to make me feel better? You completely tore down everything I stood for! You couldn't have been mouse-brained enough to think that I wouldn't some day remember the past. What you should have done was leave me in the medicine cat's den. Moonspirit might have been able to help me come back quicker. Instead you wrote an entirely backwards history for me!" Her words slowly lost their energy. She was growing increasingly tired.

How weak had she become? Had it really been so long since she'd trained her claws? Cedarclaw couldn't remember the last time she'd done some solo training. The last couple moons of her life had been all about this tom, something she'd seen enough times in love-sick queens. Something she'd scorned at and rejected. "And Swiftfire just went along with it. She should have known better than go with your lies."

When Quietkit ducked from her reached, the queen's ears pricked in horror as the ginger she-kit rushed over to the black tom in front of her. "No, Quietkit," she gasped, reaching out with her paw to herd the young kit back over to her. "He's a bad tom. Don't go near him."

~~~~~~~

Stonekit stood back, looking confused. Why was Momma calling Daddy a bad cat? When he had visited them before, he was always so nice. And Momma had purred. The tortoiseshell tom looked from one parent to the other, then tried to get around his Momma's paw to reach Sootclaw. "Stay, Daddy. It's all a'right."

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The black tom couldn't even breathe. This was just way too much for him. So, all he could do, was fall over towards the side and cry. Tears and blood seemed to almost be all around him, although the blood from his muzzle finally stopped bleeding.

"Why... Why... Why..."

He seemed to mutter over and over. He may be broken, for it seemed to be in despair, and he just couldn't stop saying that word. It was rather unusual, especially for him. He couldn't even get back up, he was just getting weaker and weaker.

-

QuietKit got pulled away from her father, which made her let out a deafening squeal.

"Dada took care of us! Dada not bad!"

She struggled, seeing her father tear up. This was ripping her apart as well. She tried to get back to her father, but no matter, she fell down, for she was getting too weak as well. She was actually being loud, for the first time in her life.

"Da!"

She squealed, tears starting to pour from her orange eyes.

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I Don't Know Why

Cedarclaw looked down at him, cold despise flickering in her orange eyes. "I think you know perfectly well why," she mewed as-a-matter-of-factly. "Now stop acting like a kit. Your getting blood all over the ground where my kits live." Those words sounded strange and foreign on her tongue.

At Quietkit's continuing struggle, the tortoiseshell leaned over and gently took the she-kit's scruff in her jaws. "No, no, little one," she mewed softly through her fur. The she-cat noted again how strange it felt saying those words, feeling this way. She never would have believed it, before. "You'll understand when you're older. You don't know how that tom really is."

Seeing her second kit making his way toward the black tom as well, a claw pierced her heart. No! Her kits would not grow up feeling anything but contempt for that retched flea-bag. The vendetta between them would stay strong, she would see to that. "You too, Stonekit," she mewed, ushering the tortoiseshell back toward her as well.

~~~~~~

Stonekit mewed a little in protest, but he didn't struggle as his sister did. It wasn't that big of a deal, was it? Surely his mother was just joking around with this whole thing. She loved Daddy- he'd seen it with his own amber eyes. Yes, without a doubt. Soon she'd be purring again, just like before. The kit glanced back at Sootclaw with a hint of puzzlement lingering there, but aloud Cedarclaw to herd him back toward the nest where Darkkit still remained.